We’ve all heard the famous adage, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.”

It’s sound advice and often feels easier said than done—especially for high-performing women used to being able to control or influence situations. When faced with challenges that can’t be “fixed,” many of us feel frustrated or even resentful. But what if, instead of struggling against the situation, we shifted our mindset? What if we focused on finding the “gift” in these circumstances?

When we encounter scenarios beyond our control—like a sudden directive for a restructuring project, a lack of support from key stakeholders, or even daily frustrations like inefficient team members—the tendency can be to feel stuck, annoyed, or helpless. Sure, we can change things over time and that rate of change doesn’t help today and often doesn’t allow you to notice meaningful improvement in the ideal timeframe.

Instead of gradually changing or simply accepting these situations outright, there’s another approach: reframing and finding the hidden value within them.

Recognising the Need for Control and When It Becomes Unproductive

As ambitious women, we’re often used to being in control or at least influence the situation. We’re planners, solution-finders, and have high standards for ourselves and our work. And occasionally, we encounter situations where control simply isn’t an option.

Maybe you’re in a new role, and before you’ve even settled in, you’re handed a mandate to restructure the team. This is a major task, potentially unpopular with the existing staff, and needs to be handled diplomatically and strategically. You may not have enough time to build rapport or understand the internal dynamics fully, yet the mandate is non-negotiable.

The frustration and stress of being handed such a significant responsibility right away are real, especially when you know a more organic transition would be ideal. It can be challenging to feel like you have no control over the timeline or even the nature of the changes being asked.

Shifting Focus: Moving from Frustration to Opportunity

Instead of forcing acceptance or letting frustration take over, we can reframe these situations to reveal their hidden opportunities. Here’s how to apply this approach practically:

1. Recognise You’re in a Frustration Loop

The first step is acknowledging when you’re stuck in a cycle of frustration or rumination. High-achieving women often have strong internal narratives about success, productivity, and progress. When a situation arises that contradicts those narratives—like a forced restructuring—you might find yourself in a “this sucks” mindset.

Example: You notice that you’re dwelling on the situation, replaying thoughts like, “This timing is unfair,” or “How am I supposed to do this without enough support?” Recognising this loop allows you to pause and begin reframing.

2. Reframe the Situation: What Might This Be Teaching You?

Once you’ve acknowledged the frustration, ask yourself: What lesson or growth opportunity could this situation offer? Instead of trying to force change, shift focus to what’s within your power to learn or gain.

Example: In the case of the restructuring mandate, the reframe could be, “This is helping me build empathy and develop strategies for managing significant change under pressure.” Recognising the limitations of the situation allows you to focus on growth in areas like empathy, rapid stakeholder alignment and handling delicate negotiations, skills that will serve you well in future roles.

3. Identify the Gift: Tangible Growth in Knowledge or Skills

The next step is to look for a specific “gift” in the circumstances, something concrete that you can take away. This could be more knowledge, a new skill, a shift in perspective, or a quality you’re developing, like patience or empathy.

Example: The gift in this situation might be honing your ability to influence and guide a team through major change, even when you lack complete authority or ideal conditions. This experience can make you a more effective leader, building resilient mindset and adaptability, two qualities highly valued in executive roles.

Real-Life Examples for High-Performing Women

I’ve included some other scenarios that often seem to come up in high-achieving environments. By looking for the “gift,” we can transform our relationship with such situations, adding meaning and value to experiences that might otherwise drain us.

Navigating a Challenging Directive: Let’s say you’re in a senior role, and the company leadership mandates a restructuring that directly affects your team. You believe the timing isn’t right, or you haven’t had time to develop a strategy aligned with the company’s goals. This frustration is understandable, but the gift might be the opportunity to develop new approaches to change management, communication, and staff morale. You may even learn to build alliances faster and tap into your problem-solving strengths.

Handling Pushback from Key Stakeholders: In some cases, pushing through a restructure or challenging project will bring resistance, especially if team members are set in their ways. The gift here could be refining your influencing skills, perhaps learning to balance empathy with assertiveness, or even innovating how to explain changes in ways that resonate with your team. These are valuable interpersonal skills that translate well across different leadership roles.

Improving Your Ability to Delegate and Inspire: In times of transition, delegating effectively becomes essential. Rather than micromanaging, see the gift in empowering others to lead alongside you. This challenge can teach you to develop leaders within your team, preparing them for future responsibilities and allowing you to focus on broader strategic goals.

Practical Steps to Start Finding the Gift

To help turn this concept into action, here’s a straightforward process you can use to transform frustrations into growth opportunities.

1. Recognise Your “Trigger Words”

High-achieving women often have certain “trigger words” that amplify frustration, like “unfair,” “unachievable,” or “impossible.” Pay attention to your internal dialogue and recognise when these words signal a loop of frustration.

Example: If you find yourself thinking, “This is unachievable,” that’s your cue to pause, identify the situation as something potentially beyond your control, and move to the next step.

2. Name the Reframe

Now that you’ve identified the frustration loop, shift to a reframe. Ask yourself: How can I view this differently? Look for a skill, perspective, or lesson that this situation might offer.

Example: Instead of “This is unachievable,” the reframe might be, “This situation is helping me build fail fast thinking and adaptability in high-pressure conditions.”

3. Focus on the Gift

Finally, zero in on a specific takeaway or “gift.” This could be a skill, an insight, or a quality you’re developing. Practise bringing this to mind each time the frustrating situation arises.

Example: If the original frustration was the pressure of managing the restructure, the gift might be refining your change management and delegation skills. Each time you feel frustrated, refocus on how you’re growing in these areas, creating a sense of purpose within the challenge.

Why This Mindset Shift is Crucial

High-performing women face unique challenges in the workplace, and often these situations aren’t about lack of skill or talent, but about external constraints. Learning to find the gift transforms these constraints into valuable learning experiences, helping you develop the skills, knowledge, and perspective necessary to thrive.

The Cost of Not Shifting Perspective

Without this shift, we risk letting unchangeable circumstances drain us, affecting our energy, productivity, and overall job satisfaction. Resentment or frustration can quietly erode our performance, impacting our relationships with colleagues and, in the long term, our career trajectory. We’re not always going to have control and frankly simply accepting somethings is not possible.

On the other hand, when we actively look for the gift, we reclaim control—not over the situation itself, but over our response to it. This doesn’t just help us cope; it sets us up to grow and thrive, no matter what challenges we encounter.

More Than Just a Tool for Work

Imagine you’re in a situation where a natural disaster or unexpected crisis strikes, impacting your community, your family, or even your work. In such a scenario, it’s natural to feel overwhelmed, fearful, and frustrated by the lack of control. The immediate instinct is often to fix everything, or, at the very least, to try and regain a sense of normalcy. But when events are on such a massive scale—like a natural disaster or conflict—there’s only so much within your control.

Using the “finding the gift” approach, you can begin by recognising the emotional loop of frustration that comes with feeling powerless. Instead of focusing on all that’s been lost or altered, shift your mindset to consider how this situation could offer a unique insight or opportunity for growth.

For instance, this could mean finding ways to serve or support others in your community who are also affected, which not only helps those around you but community connection. It might also be a moment to recognise your strength and adaptability in the face of upheaval. The “gift” could be learning how to pivot your skills to support a broader cause, deepening your sense of purpose and expanding your impact beyond your usual work.

By looking for small moments where you can make a difference, or by appreciating new insights that emerge through adversity, you reclaim a sense of purpose. The situation may still be challenging, and now, you’re actively choosing a response that fosters growth and power rather than helplessness. This doesn’t change the circumstances, but it shifts your approach and helps you move forward with purpose and resolve.

In the end, finding the gift doesn’t mean ignoring difficulties—it means choosing to rise within them.

Bringing It All Together: Embrace the Gift for a Stronger Future

This mindset shift is more than just a coping strategy—it’s a pathway to powerful growth. By focusing on what we can gain from unchangeable situations, we turn frustrations into stepping stones for future success.

The next time you find yourself in a difficult situation that’s beyond your control, remember: instead of forcing acceptance, reframe the challenge, find the gift, and keep moving forward. It’s in these small shifts that we discover our greatest strengths, turning every obstacle into an opportunity for learning, insight, and lasting impact.

By embracing the gifts within unchangeable situations, you’re not only improving your own leadership journey, but you’re setting an example for other ambitious women—showing that true power lies not just in control but in the wisdom to grow regardless of the circumstances.