I’ve recently returned from riding across the desert with the Simpson Desert Bike Challenge, and the experience keeps resurfacing in my mind. In particular, I’ve caught myself slipping into what I call the “if only” mindset. You know the voice—the one that whispers, “If only this hadn’t happened, things would have turned out better.” It’s a subtle and powerful judge, one I refer to as the Judge of Circumstances. This judge convinces us that we are at the mercy of the external world, that if circumstances were different, we would be more successful, happier, or more fulfilled.

I saw this play out countless times in the desert, where things rarely went according to plan. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if the weather were cooler, if the terrain were smoother, or if you had a different bike, the experience would have been better. Here’s the truth: life doesn’t bend to our will. The real challenge lies in how we respond to what’s happening around us.

When we feel like victims of circumstance, it’s tempting to believe that we have no power to change things. We blame the external world, focusing on things outside our control, and we allow our Judge of Circumstances to take over. The good news is that this doesn’t have to be your default mindset. There are ways to overcome this mental trap and reclaim your power. It just takes some practice and intentionality.

The Power of the Judge of Circumstances

The Judge of Circumstances is sneaky. It often shows up in moments when things don’t go the way we expect. It whispers words of frustration, injustice, and helplessness. It convinces us that life is unfair and that our misfortune is a result of circumstances beyond our control. While some things truly are beyond our control, the Judge of Circumstances often magnifies this belief, making us feel trapped.

In leadership, this mindset can be particularly dangerous. The more you give power to external factors, the less control you feel over your decisions and the outcomes. It’s easy to blame the market, a challenging work environment, or difficult stakeholders when things don’t go to plan. But the more time you spend in this victim mentality, the less time you spend figuring out how to adapt, pivot, and find solutions.

The Desert: A Metaphor for Life

While riding across the desert, I saw firsthand how circumstances can test even the most prepared among us. One day, it would be scorching hot, the terrain sandy and unforgiving. The next day, an issue with the support convoy impacted some riders. I saw people have issues with vehicles, support crews, the weather, nutrition and health, injury and more. For sure, there were moments when I thought, “If only the sand was a little firmer, I’d be able to make it through.” It was easy to fall into this mental trap, and I knew it wouldn’t serve me.

The desert became a metaphor for life. We all experience environments where things don’t go as planned. Sometimes, it’s a difficult project at work, a personal setback, or even a series of small inconveniences that build up and test our patience. It’s in these moments that the Judge of Circumstances shows up, tempting us to place blame externally and give up control.

But here’s the thing: no matter what the external circumstances, we still have the power to choose how we respond. We can choose to focus on what we can control and the gift of circumstances rather than dwelling on what we can’t. This is the fundamental shift that helps you overcome the Judge of Circumstances.

Sāi Wēng Lost His Horse: The Power of Perspective

If you haven’t heard the Chinese proverb “Sāi Wēng Lost His Horse,” I highly recommend taking five minutes to read it. The story illustrates perfectly how circumstances that seem negative in the moment may, in fact, be blessings in disguise. The proverb follows a farmer named Sāi Wēng who loses his horse, and while his neighbours commiserate with him, Sāi Wēng simply replies, “Who knows what’s good or bad?”

As it turns out, the loss of his horse leads to a series of events that seem negative and ultimately save his family. The moral of the story is that we can never fully predict the outcomes of our circumstances, and what appears to be a setback may lead to unforeseen advantages.

In life and leadership, it’s essential to take this same approach. When things go wrong, instead of immediately labelling them as bad or unfair, we need to take a step back and consider the long-term perspective. Sometimes, what seems like a failure can open doors to new opportunities or teach us invaluable lessons.

Overcoming the Judge of Circumstances: A Practical Exercise

The key to overcoming your Judge of Circumstances is to shift your mindset from focusing on the external world to taking control of your internal world. This shift requires practice, and with time, it will help you regain your sense of power and control, even in challenging situations.

Here’s an exercise you can use to retrain your mind and overcome your Judge of Circumstances:

1. Identify Your Watch Words

Pay attention to the phrases you use when things go wrong. Common examples include:

• • • “This is unfair.”
    • “I can’t believe this happened.”
    • “If only…”

These are your watch words, the phrases that signal your Judge of Circumstances is taking over. By identifying these words, you can become more aware of when you’re slipping into a victim mindset.

2. Notice Your Reactions

Once you’ve identified your watch words, start noticing how often they come up. Pay attention to how you feel physically and emotionally when you use them. Do you feel frustrated, helpless, or angry? Where do you feel tension in your body?

3. Celebrate Your Awareness

Recognising when your Judge of Circumstances is taking over is a victory in itself. Celebrate the fact that you’ve caught yourself in the act of falling into this mindset. Self-awareness is the first step toward change.

4. Release and Reset

Now it’s time to reset your mind and regain control of your emotions. Use this quick mindfulness exercise to bring yourself back to the present moment:

• • • Touch five things around you.
    • Notice three things you can smell.
    • Find five blue things you can see.

These small, sensory exercises help you shift your focus from the negative circumstances to the present moment, allowing you to regain a sense of control.

5. Reframe the Situation

Finally, reframe the situation by asking yourself:

• • • “What can I control in this situation?”
    • “Is there a lesson or opportunity here that I’m not seeing?”

By shifting your focus from what went wrong to what you can do next, you move out of the victim mindset and into a proactive, empowered state.

Retraining Your Mind: Small Steps, Big Impact

Overcoming the Judge of Circumstances isn’t a one-time event—it’s a continuous practice of retraining your mind. The more you catch yourself using your watch words and the more often you take mindful moments to reset, the easier it becomes to shift your perspective in real-time.

Remember, the goal isn’t to be perfect or to never feel frustrated when things don’t go your way. The goal is to recognise when your Judge of Circumstances is taking over and to have the tools to shift your mindset, take back your power, and move forward with resilience.

Owning Your Ambition, Power, and Femininity

For ambitious women, the Judge of Circumstances can be a particularly challenging hurdle. We often juggle multiple roles and face societal expectations that can make it easy to fall into a “woe is me” mindset. But when you own your ambition, power, and femininity, you reclaim your ability to shape your own destiny, regardless of the external world.

As you continue your leadership journey, remember that circumstances will never be perfect. Challenges will arise, and setbacks will happen. But how you respond to these moments is where your true power lies. By overcoming your Judge of Circumstances, you step into a space of ownership and control, ready to face whatever comes your way.

Conclusion

The Judge of Circumstances is a subtle and powerful force that can derail your confidence, make you feel powerless, and keep you from reaching your full potential. By recognising its influence and practicing the steps to overcome it, you can shift your mindset, regain control, and continue moving toward your goals with strength and resilience.

The next time you catch yourself thinking, “If only this hadn’t happened,” remember that you have the power to choose how you respond. And in that choice lies your greatest strength. If you want help exploring this further and learning more about owning your ambition, femininity and power I’d love to hear from you.